Just recently I ran across an incredible article written by a talented young woman who lost her father unexpectedly. I resonated with the article as I lost my father unexpectedly as well. In her article she offers some wonderful advice about helping others cope with grief. We asked her permission to reproduce her writing and she agreed. At Doyle’s we believe that her insight and her wisdom on the subject should be shared in an effort to help others. The following is her article.
Grace for the Grieving: 8 Tips to Help the Mourning by Tonya Ford
I thought grief and death were a natural part of life but when you personally experience death there is nothing that feels natural about it. Shock and depression come rolling in. Life as you knew it is forever ripped from you. Normal no longer exists. A hole is left with no sight of restoration.
You truly do not know the weight of grief until you lose a loved one and it alters your life forever. You don’t know the heaviness of that cross until it is yours to bear. Before I experienced grief, I had no idea how to treat a grieving person or how to help them. I want to share things I found helpful and to offer perspective. My hope is that you can know how to be a good family member or friend when someone close to experiences tragedy.
1 – Attend the Funeral
I used to think if I didn’t know the person that passed well enough, I shouldn’t go to the funeral out of respect for the grieving family. I soon learned the funeral is just as much about those grieving as it is celebrating the person that has passed. It’s a way to offer comfort, love, and respect of the life lost. It can be such a cold, dark, and lonely day as many come to the realization their loved one is really gone when they close the casket and place them in the ground.
I remember at my dad’s funeral; I was so moved by so many old and new friends showing up to support me. Some shared memories with me, some shared tears with me, but all shared love with me. The act of service of taking time out of their day to come and drive to the funeral to show respect for my dad and love me meant the world to me. It felt like I didn’t have to bear the weight of that day alone. I encourage to attend any funeral whether you personally knew the person or if you even know a single family member grieving.
2 – No Positive Pants Needed Here
Some words can be encouraging and some are just down right painful in this season. I would like to share somethings that myself, loved ones and friends have experienced in the time of grief that they found uplifting and also discouraging. Many people who haven’t experienced grief have a desire to comfort but don’t know what to say. Most people don’t mean any harm and want to help or cheer up a grieving person, but in this season, they don’t need your positive pants, they need your kindness and empathy more than anything.
Please do not say “They are in a better place or God wanted another Angel.” This offers little to no comfort to an actively grieving person. The loved one was ripped away from them, maybe without even a goodbye, and they already feel so alone, maybe even forsaken by God at some point. They long to be reunited with that person and long for their old life back. This just highlights the hole and physical, permanent physical separation. This statement can deemphasize the pain being felt and as if they should really be thankful instead. Let alone you may not know the complete spiritual situation or background of the person that passed to imply where they are. Replace this with, “They were so loved and my heart aches for you.”
Please pause and consider not saying “Everything happens for a reason. God won’t give you more than you can handle. God wanted another Angel. It was their time.” This offers little to no comfort to an actively grieving person. This statement can deemphasize the pain being felt and as if they should just be thankful instead. Acknowledge how hard the situation is and validate their sad emotions instead of making them feel guilty for grieving. Instead say, “This is so heavy and hard” or “They were so loved and my heart aches for you.”
Please do not ask “What happened?” to the grieving. This makes them relive some of the most painful experiences of their life and also comes across as intrusive. Instead try, “I am thinking of you” or “please share your favorite memory.”
My heart aches for the parents that faced the loss of child or a miscarriage and were confronted with “At least you have other kids to keep you busy. You are young and still have plenty of time for more kids.” Each person is made uniquely made and designed by God. These statements defame his creation and the person lost. Yes, you may be trying to offer hope, but it’s at the expense of a beautiful person’s ordained life. Instead try, “I am forever changed for knowing them or I am so sorry.”
3- Just Sit
The grieving may not be easy to be around. They may be sad, depressed, emotional, angry and even selfish, but love them through it. Know that their world has been flipped upside down and it can be one of the loneliest times ever. There is nothing you can do or say to make it better. They simply want that person back to hug, touch, and love again. You can’t fix it but you can help carry the pain and burden so they are not alone. Let them lead the conversation or lack thereof. Consider this excerpt from 2 Job…
“11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”
This image of love and community in the time of sorrow and pain is powerful. I love how his friends came and sat with him; no words were needed because their love was expressed through the action alone. No one should bare deep suffering alone.
4 – Support After the Funeral
Many people easily forget about the grieving after the funeral because life for them goes back to normal. I urge you to check in on the person continually and remind them they are not alone and that you are a listening ear. I know myself and many others grieving appreciated simplicity in words and actions. A grieving person’s mind is already overwhelmed so keep it short and sweet. A tender hug or “I am thinking of you” goes a long way.
When it comes to meals for the family, keep it minimal but suggest a day unless they object, make it happen. Most of the time the grieving could care less what they eat if they are even interested in food at all. Pro-tip, place food in containers that can be tossed after so they don’t have to worry about dishes or what pan belongs to who. Even a gift card shows support. Try to help fill in the gaps. Mow their lawn, weed their garden, water their plants, ect. If the person grieving has kids, offer to take their kids to a park, the zoo, or out for a meal. Help that person survive and stay above the rough water that surrounds them.
5 – Give Grace & Patience.
A grieving person is in so much pain and their life has been forever changed, and not for the better. They are facing shock that it really happened and what life looks like without their loved one. They most likely will experience depression and lack of zeal for life. Some people even go into survival mode from the shock. Let them feel. Let them cry. Jesus wept too and he is holding all their tears. Let them process at their own pace. Time will forever feel different for them. Life will forever look different.
When someone breaks their leg, you don’t expect them to get over the pain and start running the next day. It takes a lot of time to heal and function again. Their lifestyle will look different whether they want it to or not. The pain may change them and even make them self-centered as their world and “normal” has been rearranged. They may not be able to give a lot in return in this season. They may forever be altered in spirit as they have residual pain they carry. They may always walk with a limp. You would be prone to give this person help and grace as the adjust and heal. Please do the same for the grieving. Though their pain may be internal, it still bears many scars and much anguish. It requires rebuilding and mending. Give them time and patience too.
6 – Time Does Not “Heal” All Wounds
A grieving person is never healed. It is not simply a season or something to get over. They will always have a longing to be reunited with them. Many people think time heals, but time just allow the shock to dissipate. Even as time passes, their grieving may change and they may carry it differently but it never fully leaves them. Holidays, birthdays, and everyday life are forever altered in a painful way. They are left with only memories to relive while it feels like the world carries on with out a care. Please be empathetic to those mourning not just the first year but every year.
When someone breaks their leg, you don’t expect them to get over the pain and start running the next day. It takes a lot of time to heal and function again. Their lifestyle will look different whether they want it to or not. The pain may change them and even make them self-centered as their world and “normal” has been rearranged. They may not be able to give a lot in return in this season. They may forever be altered in spirit as they have residual pain they carry. They may always walk with a limp. You would be prone to give this person help and grace as the adjust and heal. Please do the same for the grieving. Though their pain may be internal, it still bears many scars and much anguish. It requires rebuilding and mending. Give them time and patience too.
7 – Remember the Milestones.
Even as years pass, it’s powerful to remember the significant days such as the day that person passed or their birthday to the surviving loved ones. Father’s Day was and still is hard for me as I long to celebrate my dad. I know many parents who have lost a child and acknowledging that loss on Father’s and Mother’s Day is a sign of love and remembrance. This can be in the form of a message, card, flowers, a meal or even just a hug. Showing that the loved one has not been forgotten is so powerful.
Consider that the grieving person doesn’t get to celebrate any more milestones or new memories ever again. The sting of sadness can come pouring in as they are reminded that loved one is not with them. Jotting these days down with names in a calendar or even in your phone calendar can help you to recall them each year.
8 – Be Kind Always
Mourning is something almost every person will experience. It is one of the most hard and humbling circumstances we will face while on Earth. You can’t fix someone’s pain but you can love them through it. May we look at this as an opportunity to serve and have compassion for the broken hearted. May we bear each other’s burdens together. May we be God’s hands, feet, and heart in this broken world until we can be greeted with those golden gates and missed loved ones.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
~Galations 6:2 NIV
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